Spiders, Crabs, and Trolls oh my!

I am not arachnophobic.

That being said, I am scared as fuck of big spiders. The reason it is not a phobia, I believe, is because it is perfectly somewhat reasonable. Little spiders do not scare me; medium spiders do not scare me. It is not the movement of their legs, or the position of their many eyes, or the way they leap at you and bare their fangs and scream (okay…I’ve been watching more B level horror movies than actual arachnids). I am only scared when each of those attributes are magnified to the size where I CAN ACTUALLY SEE THE INDIVIDUAL HAIRS ON ITS MOTHERFUCKING LEGS!!!

It’s terrifying! They move so fast, and so strangely….gahh, I hate it. But why only with the big guys? It’s the same with crabs, too—are they arachnids? No, certainly not, but they have the same terror-inducing characteristics (long multi-jointed legs, freaky movements, psychopathic eyes, ouchie bits) and the fact that they can survive in the ocean as well as on land makes them far worse in my book. Uhhhuhhuhuhhhh, I just imagined finding a crab in a book. Blehhh.

Little crabbies are fine. As a child I would spend entire afternoons at the beach lifting up rocks and digging through tidepools to capture small crabs and watch them scuttle around the palm of my hand. Did I say as a child? I mean currently—I still do that. But have you ever seen a giant crab? A coconut crab or a Christmas crab? Even a full grown Dungeness? Fuck, those things are awful—although they taste great. Maybe spiders would not be so scary if they tasted good? Maybe they do; I think I saw some fat guy eat one on the travel channel.

Okay. So. Why are these things only scary when they reach a certain size? This is where I decided there was some reason involved—and so why it was not a phobia. I am only scared of ugly, horrendous creatures when they reach a size that it actually seems they could pose a threat to me. Of course, most spiders (especially the largest, like tarantulas) pose no threat whatsoever, but they could. That is, if that giant spider smelled my fear (and you know they do) and got the idea in its freaky head, it could mess me up. A little crab ain’t gonna do shit with its cute little pinchers, but a big crab can draw some real blood! And I saw a video of one wielding a knife! People, do not trust crabs! Eat them, but other than that, stay away.

I would not be afraid of a tiny ghost, or goblin, or troll. People keep tiny trolls on their dashboards! Because we know they pose no threat, so their disfiguredness is pitiable and sort of cute. But if you saw a giant troll roaming around—fucking MOVE! Get out of there! Go hide under a rock with a bunch of crabs.

Just be sure they are the little ones.


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